Random Thoughts..
My head's a mess these days. So many thoughts skittering all over the place. I've been having some reflective time these few weeks - and thought of so many things. If only I'd written them down or something, organised them. Ah wells..
Feeling like my friends are all distancing themselves away slowly and steadily. Gut feeling? Instinct? I don't know.. sigh.. it's a terrible feeling. But even worse is the nagging suspicion, the fear I'm right, the guilt that I'm thinking about such things, and ... a feeling that I haven't done enough. I don't know anymore. Wash, rinse and repeat. I guess the little things really get to people.
Got back two tests this week. Will be getting back another tomorrow, and taking another as well. Sigh. The last 2 were much better than I'd expected. Unbelievable. Perhaps there's a god somewhere out there. I know I've worked harder than I ever had in my near 20 years of study. I'm no altruist... if I actually get my lazy ass down to work for something.. I'd surely hope I get SOMETHING in return. Nothing big, but .. something. But the aftermath of the test never left me with any shred of confidence. Guess it's a relief I did okay. Marred badly by the fact that some friends didn't do so well, despite their hard work. Sigh.. probably much harder work than I did too. Those workaholics... Sigh.. and it must be a terrible blow. And it hurts me to see that happen to. Guess that hasn't happened much for me.. as I'm usually the one at the other end. Sigh. It's not easy being at either en.
Gotta garner courage to pop the question. Sigh. Wish me luck.. I hope.
In other news, lost my phone. Depressing. Guess that just strengthens the bad impression my parents have of me yet again. Sigh... yet another relationship deteriorating and I don't know how to fix it again. Gods. I hate my wimpy self.
posted by Korendir @ 2:12 AM
2 comments
2 Comments:
Got worried seeing your dismal post. Wanted to talk to you about your friends, and was also curious about the popping of some big question. So, asked you whats going on but apparently online games are more important. So I guess this is the only way I can get to talk to you. How sad.
BEFORE YOU GET IRRITATED AND JUST DELETE WHATEVER I WROTE IN A FIT OF ANGER, JUST READ IT!! I'M ALREADY THIS CLOSE TO GIVING UP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE ANYMORE!
let me just ask you a question here. What's the point of worrying about deteriorating relationships when you don't bother to try rectify the cause of it?
Relationships need human communication to maintain dude! Not online personas. I don't disagree its fun to play games. Go ahead dude. But keep some time for some real human contact. You may think, I go to school everyday, the only time i get to play is when i reach home. Again, go ahead. I've nothing to say bout that. I'm no goodie two shoes, so I won't preach about studying urk.
But what I do want to say is our ever worrying mum worries about you every single day cos you go home late. Yes, she knows you have reasons for them. But you don't bother communicating and talking to her or any of us about your life. We're after all a family. A curt announcement like "I'm going to be late" or "I'm staying over at a friend's place" does NOT suffice as communication. DETAILS DUDE! Why do you think I tell her things about my friends and my interests and what's going on in my life, watch with her dramas when its frustrating to wait for every weekend, suggest lunch/dinners together with them? As it is, its quite difficult to communicate with them at times already, so all these gives me a chance to bond with them. May sound cliche to you. But its important to me. And I think and hope it is to you too.
That way, u can still do what you want, but at least she doesn't feel like her precious son isn't turning into a stranger and she knows something about you. Its has reached a stage where I as a sister don't know anything about what's going on in ur life either and I have to read your blog to know what's going on, worry or pass on interesting bits to our mother.
You may get irritated when we disrupt your precious game to ask you things, and you may only see the naggy side when she comes in to ask you this and that. But you've not seen her worried face at night when I'm with her watching tv while waiting for you to return home, or at least a msg/phonecall.
Its pointless knowing u've facing problems like a growing distance between them and yet everyday you go home and immediately face the online games? Says a lot about your wanting for a relationship to improve doesn't it. Tell me, can you remember when's the last time you had dinner with the entire family??
Yea sure, you've done the first and biggest step in identifying ur own problems. But even right now, when I ask you to talk about it. I get a "Ssshhh" wtf. Do you think its easy for me to put on a happy face and ask you what's going on in your life when I've already expected to be brushed off. As I said, games seem to be your entire world. Nothing else seem to matter.
Hey bro.. heh got bored doing work, do i just popped to look at the blog.
About friends distancing themselves and stuff.. i guess it happens to everyone. I've distanced myself from some of my uni friends and some have done it to me also. Its probably the different paths that each person take.. and as we grow and change our interests change too.. On the side note: at least you still have me and the rest of the bros around!
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