Happy? Birthday

This has gotta be one of the ... nah... THE most depressing birthdays I've ever had in my whole damned life. Hell, I'm starting to totally hate the guts out of OOAD. Freakin' phase 2... every bloody thing is worth so little but takes so much time! I'm no perfectionist or anything.. but still! I pride myself on at least getting the things done... but is it even worth it? Spending so much time, and the results aren't even showing.. Irritated? Angry? Depressed? Yeah.. dont even know exactly what I'm feeling anymore.. godamnit! Trying so hard to put up a cheerful front.. and yeah there are the great times.. but ... Haiz.

I really wonder whether I've made the right choice in coming to SMU. Or JC for that matter. Strange how the education system has totally fucked me up. How it's so darned easy to go through all the years of education just slacking my way through .. with probably no affect on my final grade.. or at least a rather minimal one in my opinion. There's something seriously wrong with that.. with no prep we get, being thrown into the ocean like that without a lifeline.

Feel more and more like I'm drowning. Class participation? Pfft. I'm not a freakin' public person. Yes, talking 1v1 is fine... or in a small group maybe... but put me in front of a audience and I blank out. I know.. practice makes perfect blah blah... but I don't see it happening. Breaking out in cold sweat and stumbling over words despite all those rehearsals for BGS presentation.. my probably non-existant class participation marks? Sigh. I quote (rephrased): "AS? No class participation marks what.. why bother speaking out in AS class?" End quote. Practical? Certainly. But it certainly pisses me off.. especially when I have to labour so hard just to attempt to speak out in class. I must really thank those friends around me who have encouraged me to speak out. Thank you. It surely helps some, and I need all the help I can get, if I'm gonna even survive this 4 years.

Guess I'm starting to babble... not even really coherent to me when I read what I've written. Ah wellsssss back to OO.. maybe i should name it Uh Oh instead..